Paul J. Dejillas, Ph.D. – July 22, 2021
I didn't realize that what I was doing in this past two years was reviewing my life, reflecting on my successes and failures and what they have done to my life today, physically, mentally, psycho-socially, and spiritually.
The past two years have become a bloody wake-up call for me, as has been, I'm sure, to many of us. Awakening from my deep slumber, I can only be most grateful to the global pandemics that are still with us nowadays.
The past is past already. The things and events that happened then no longer exist. Yes, the past no longer exists. How can we recall something which is no longer there?
Yet, even without our prodding, the past comes back as instant frightening flashes in our mind every now and then, carrying with it thoughts and feelings that are usually traumatic like guilt, regret, shame, revenge that trigger despondency, anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. In fact, these are already imbedded in our DNA.
Dismissing them by not entertaining them is one approach. This can be done easily. But you know our mind. The more you ignore it , the more our thoughts and feelings cling to us and even drag us to wherever they want us to go. This can be strenuous if it happens many times a day. They can distract and derail us from what we are supposed to be doing daily.
We have to courageously confront them one by one, bring them to the conscious level, freeze them in front of us, and find ways to resolve them so that they can no longer be a disruption and disturbance to what we will be doing daily.
The past two years was just the opportune time for me to do this confrontation, reconciliation, recollection, and so-called "examination of conscience". I was like summoned to court facing in front of a jury who were composed of all the people I associated with in the past.
The presidents of the Philippines starting from Ferdinand Marcos to all the presidents thereafter, the military officers, labor leaders, lawyers, priests, nuns, my workmates whom I had brushes with, were all in the box looking stern and staring intently on me, that added to the solemnity of the occasion. They all knew I had eluded the long arm of the law.
They were all sitting composedly, dressed in their regal attire, sporting poker faces, neither intimidating nor friendly, except for a few. I'm sure they didn't know then that they were tapped by my celestial watchers above as my rescuers, protectors, refuge, and enemies. Without their knowledge, they all conspired to what I now realize to be part of a Grand Cosmic Design.
I defied many of their directives and intents. How I wish they are still alive today. I want to tell them the things they didn't knew and why I was doing it to them. Not that I want to exonerate myself, because I know for certain that they would have been more mad at me had I told them what happened. This is something that my invisible guide up there must have already settled with them by now.
But this is now my proper time to tell them all. And one by one I told them, not in the form of confession since I did not come for their forgiveness. I came to praise them for what they did to me. They were just doing their roles. At the same time, I hoped that they will no longer bother me by their constant intrusion and that they may finally rest in peace.
I can only be most grateful to the pandemics for giving us these rare hallowed moments and time which, I know, are also waking up a lot of us from our slumber.
Things were not instantly and sweepingly resolved. The things I was telling them were draining my energy because they resurrected all the memories of myself dodging the long arm of the law by hiding from one place to another. The pains and sufferings that they brought were too heavy to bear.
I had no lawyers to assist me, except myself. The sessions were long and the jury had to retire and take a break several times. Days drag on to weeks and months but I was relentless to resolve my debilitating conditions.
All told, many have already been resolved and buried for good. I'm now experiencing greater peace of mind and more able to focus my attention and awareness to what I'm doing now from moment to moment.
In the meantime, I resolve to make amends to what I have done in the past by paying everything forward for the remaining days of my life, hoping at the same time that I would be paying back my several karmic debts. To those who are still alive, I'm certain my invisible guide up there will create situations for our reconciliation.
Be safe and sound always in body, mind, and spirit. I know you still have some issues to resolve too. All of us have. We were born accumulating these issues through life. Let's continue to apply this approach of resolving our past until we can move on peacefully forward.
Our past is something we can't just ignore. It's already in our genes. It's making us what we are today and what we will be in the future, for good or bad, depending on what we are carrying in our genes and memories. But we can still rewrite ourselves.